K-Fed learns the hard way

Nothing like a debut at #151 on the Billboard charts to make you realize your talent (or lack thereof)... and some people said he'd be at #1. Sometimes, but only sometimes, cosmic justice is served.

Snow Patrol -- "Chasing Cars"

Artist: Snow Patrol
Song: "Chasing Cars"
Album: Eyes Open

Diagnosis: The lyrics of "Chasing Cars" are nothing more than drug-induced nonsense. Obviously frontman Gary Lightbody (...Lightbody?) just took a wild array of narcotics and then scribbled down what he was feeling/experiencing.

Evidence:
"We don't need/Anything/Or anyone" -- Hermit-esque paranoia.

"Let's waste time/Chasing cars/Around our heads" -- At this point in time, Lightbody believes he is a dog. Hence chasing cars. Around our heads? What else could this be?

"I need your grace/To remind me/To find my own" -- He thinks he's talking to Jesus.

"All that I am/All that I ever was/Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see" -- Again, to Jesus. These lyrics could well be to a Christian pop song. Little would those teenage worshippers know that they're actually fueled by LSD.

"If I lay here/If I just lay here/Would you lie with me and just forget the world?" -- Laziness, laziness and more laziness. One of the largest side-effects of drugs.

Possible Contentions:
"I don't quite know/How to say/How I feel," which is followed by "Those three words/Are said too much/They're not enough." What exactly are those three words? I love you? Psh, no way. Look at it like this: those two stanzas are actually linked: "those three words" are actually "how I feel." Doesn't make sense? It does when you know those lyrics came from a druggy's brain.

Suicide Watch: NO. But Lighbody might want to check himself into rehab. Sponsorship here we come!

Watch the music video.

And possibly the worst amateur re-make ever.

Natasha Bedingfield -- "Unwritten"

Artist: Natasha Bedingfield
Song: "Unwritten"
Album: Unwritten

Diagnosis: Natasha Bedingfield is a crafty person. Her seemingly inspirational ballad is really about having trouble writing a good song. In fact, she's realizing that she's really not that good at anything at all, which leads to a regression to an adolescent age. The song is essentially a cry for someone to help her write something decent while struggling with adolescent problems and idealism.

Evidence:
"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined" -- Straight from her High School's Sophomore year diary.

"Staring at the blank page before you/Open up the dirty window/Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find" -- This is what she wants, but it's just not happening.

"Release your inhibitions" -- Adolescents turn to drugs when they're in a tough spot creatively. Bedingfield is about to try some drugs and maybe engage in a plethora of sexual activity.

"I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines" -- Her ineptitude has led to such phrases as 'sometimes my tries.'

Possible Contentions:
The addressee of the song is an unknown "You." To answer this, many adolescents are so unhappy with themselves -- creatively, physically, mentally -- that they effectively detach themselves from their teenage body and observe themselves and judge their shortcomings. This song is essentially a song to Natasha Bedingfield, child, from Natasha Bedingfield, objective judge.

Suicide Watch: YES. Teens are very susceptible to suicide, especially when they're both depressed and realize that they suck at pretty much everything. This song illustrates both. Her depression can be found in such lines as "Open up the dirty window" and "Drench yourself in words unspoken," both of which are references to depressing subject such as dirtiness and rain. Furthermore, she sings "We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way." She can't live anymore, and she's trying to tell us that she's contemplating suicide.

Watch the music video.

Nickelback -- "Photograph"

Artist: Nickelback
Song: "Photograph"
Album: All The Right Reasons


Diagnosis: Frontman Chad Kroeger is reminiscing about his childhood... and his first gay experience. Joey, the quiet subject of this song, was apparently Kroeger's first boyfriend. And now, Kroeger, who claims to be straight, is wrestling with his sexuality and missing Joey. My professional opinion is that he just needs to get over himself and come out of the closet.

Evidence:
"How did our eyes get so red/And what the hell is on Joey's head?" -- We'll deal with exactly what is on Joey's head later, but this is what establishes Joey as the main character of the song. Furthermore, their 'red eyes' are a reference to their drug use, which was the excuse and scapegoat for explaining their homosexual behavior.

"I wonder if it's too late/Should I go back and try to graduate?" -- By 'try to graduate' he means go back to his hometown and try to find Joey. His lack of a diploma simply gives him a reason to go back, and an excuse to give Joey if Joey does not return Kroeger's love.

"I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for" -- A.K.A. Joey.

"Remember the old arcade/Blew every dollar that we ever made/The copes hated us hangin' out/They say somebody went and burned it down" -- Blowing and hangin' out are more than just words. They're metaphors. I'll let you do the math on those. And somebody burning down Joey and Kroeger's old sex spot is also a metaphor for people not accepting their love.

"If I could relive those days/I know the one thing that would never change" -- He would have kept Joey.

Possible Contentions:
"What the hell is on Joey's head?" -- What the hell is on Joey's head? Is it a hat? Bad hair? Or an octopus? The octopus is probably the best option.

"Kim's the first girl I kissed/I was so nervous, that I nearly missed" -- He was nervous because he was cheating on Joey. He nearly missed and ran away... back to Joey. But alas, society told him that if he wanted to be a canine-esque rock star, he needed to be straight. Just look at what happened to George Michael.

Suicide watch: NO. He's just confused, but he'll get over it.

Watch the music video.

Jojo -- "Too Little, Too Late"

Artist: Jojo
Song: "Too Little, Too Late"
Album: The High Road

Diagnosis: While many might assume that our 15-year-old pop star is singing about a boy, she is indeed wrestling with the fact that she is not very good at math. When the song addresses "you," she is indeed singing to the subject of math. Her intense distressed emotions are due to the fact that she had previously thought that math was her strong suit, but now that world has been toppled.

Evidence:
"But boy you know your begging don't fool me/Because to you it's a game" -- Math is playing a game on her, and it's a game of logic.

"You say you dream of my face/But you don't like me/You just like the chase" -- Math doesn't care about her welfare; it just likes it when people try to solve it.

"I was young/And in love" -- With the idea of being a mathematician.

"You got a problem/But don't come asking me for help" -- She's done with those pesky math problem sets.

"I can love with all my heart, baby/I know I have so much to give/With a player like you I don't have a prayer" -- It's just too cool to be into math these days. And after that last test, she doesn't have a prayer of competing with the best.

Possible Contentions: Possible contentions? She's FIFTEEN! Please. As though people that young even think about the opposite sex. Plus, what self-respecting mother would allow a boy to "spend the night" with her adolescent daughter?

Suicide Watch: YES. When a teen's world has been pulled from underneath her, suicide is definitely a good-looking option. Plus, she's a republican.

Watch the music video.

Because Pop Stars Are People Too

Welcome to the wonderful world of Bubblegum Psychology, where I, your in-house psychologist, pick apart pop songs and analyze them for their true meaning. Here's how it works:

Diagnosis: The essence of the song; what the artist is really trying to say.
Evidence: Lyrical evidence that supports my diagnosis, along with an explanation.
Possible Contentions: Other lyrical evidence that could potentially undermine my diagnosis, with my responses.
Suicide Watch: A simple yes or no - is this pop star severely depressed?

Why have I begun this service? Simple: because pop stars are people too, and deserve to be analyzed like real people. Why me? Well, thanks for asking. I'm just a humble humanitarian with an apparent knack for alliteration.

So sit back, relax, and prepare to enjoy the inner workings of your favorite pop stars. Oh, I almost forgot. Want me to analyze your favorite song? Send an email to: bubblegumpsychology@gmail.com.

Yours,
BP